Welcome to Be Brave Vitality

 Your Full Name: Marlene Pretorius

Your Email: Marlene@pygmy.co.za

Breast Cancer Theme: Cancer actually can hurt

Title of Entry: Warrior Princess

Age at Diagnosis: 40

Stage of Cancer: Stage 1

Overarching Bible Verse: “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.”-Psalm 91:4-14 (NIV)

After having a breast reduction and lift in my mid thirties, I started having a strange pain in my left breast. Coming from a family with an extremely strong history of cancer on both sides, I always wondered if I would end up with the dreaded disease of breast cancer.  This pain I had been feeling couldn’t be cancer though; everyone always had told me, "Cancer does not hurt."  

So, the searching began.  I saw doctor after doctor, one even removing a benign lymph node.  I also tried about a million different bra types to try and see what I could wear without wanting to tear it off my body.  Every time, I was placed onto a different pain killer, and yet, the pain continued. I knew something was up.

As my mother had breast cancer, I had been going for my yearly mammo and ultrasound without fail for eleven years since the age of twenty-nine.  Every year I was told that all was okay.  All was okay...until the year it wasn’t.

During my yearly check-up at age forty, the radiologist found a benign mass in my right breast that had grown from 5.5mm to 2cm in diameter. In my experience, anything changing shape, size, or color needed to go.  Everything inside of me screamed, "GET IT OUT NOW!" 

While all of the reports and biopsy results indicated that the mass was benign, a breast specialist I had met with who had been said to be one of the best in the business said that an MRI was a must.  

So off I went!  The breast MRI was done on a strange looking machine.  Patients must lie face down with their breasts squeezed gently into two spaces.  A drip was placed into my hand for forty minutes as the machine scanned my body.  The MRI results indicated the need for a targeted ultrasound on my left breast that I had felt the pain in for the last five years.  

Looking at the ultrasound screen, it looked a bit strange.  I fought to stay in denial, hoping that my gut was wrong.  But there it was on the screen, begging me to ask the question, “How could we miss this all along?” 

The ultrasound was eventually followed by a five specimen biopsy.  When the final results came, the diagnosis struck me like a hit in a boxing ring.  It dropped me to my knees.  Those that told me cancer doesn’t hurt were wrong in more ways than one.  Not only was the cancer diagnosis wildly painful, but the tumor had been aching for years, warning me it was coming.

While I could have sat in the corner of that boxing ring and cried, I instead grabbed that fierce bull by the horns and decided to FIGHT.

As I got ready for my bilateral mastectomy, I watched as women went in and out of the radiology clinic.  It gave me the feeling of a busy hairdresser.  While the phenomenal hospital team treated us with the utmost respect and urgency, the women looked worried, sad, and unsure. While I knew we were all STRONG WOMEN, the prodding and probing of our bodies was too much.  The process felt like a complete invasion of the body, mind, and soul.  As needles entered our bodies, we fought back tears and did our best to breathe in and out, always offering a smile to our families as we walked out.  Something in all of us did our best to reassure our loved ones that we were going to win the fight.

While I knew that I was a strong, confident woman, as so many of us are, I also knew that I could never make it through the battle on my own.  I leaned heavily on my family and friends throughout my journey, but my greatest pillar of strength, of perseverance, of love, and of hope was my Father Almighty God. 

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. (Psalm 91:4-7, NIV)

As a strong woman, it’s humbling to need help.  Getting knocked down again and again during my journey, I even started to lose a little bit of faith in God because it felt like I was fighting alone.  The doubt that crept in scared me.  It wasn’t until I said it out loud that I realized how desperately I needed to call out to God.

You may be feeling this way, too.  It may feel like your entire world is coming to an end and that you do not know where to turn.  After all, cancer really can hurt.  It can hurt us in a lot of ways, including upsetting our families, piling on medical bills, and disrupting our work life.  Yet, God seeks the tired, the sick, and the misfits (if that is how you feel after your surgery, and I get it!).  God always looks after us, ESPECIALLY in the middle of our biggest battles.  He is covering you in HIS feathers, holding you close.  If you’ve taken too many blows and feel like you cannot go on for another day, that is when it is most important to just stop, breathe, and drop to your knees in prayer.  You, Warrior Princess, are a force to be reckoned with.  But with God, you’re unstoppable.   

Prayer:

Dear Lord Father, I raise a Hallelujah and thank you, dear Lord, for healing mercies.  As women who are mothers, wives, daughters, career professionals, and carry other such important roles, it is in our nature to want to take control.  It is in our nature to want to be strong always and to protect our families and loved-ones.  But you are the LOVE, the LIGHT, and the HOPE, dear Lord.  Help me learn to let go and let God.  Help me find comfort in knowing that you are always there, accepting that I do not need to be strong at all times.  Vulnerability is strength, dear Lord, and help me to remember this always!  Thank you for your love and that you cover me with your feathers, dear Lord.  I am truly Blessed.  Amen.

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“You call me out upon the waters…the great unknown where feet may fail….And there I find YOU in the mystery…In Oceans Deep…My faith will stand”

Echoes through my soul when I think and remise on the past 2 years and how my life changed in every way…

God promises us that HE will cover us with HIS Feathers, and under HIS wings, you will find refuge.

It is not always easy to see God’s plans for us, and when we are under pressure we tend to feel sorry for ourselves, and ask WHY ME, but God has a plan for your life…it’s been planned out and we want to control our lives, but it is never really in our control.

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I love my Lord, and Raise a Hallelujah that I managed to get through this journey that was handed to me.

I am thankful for all the people that changed my life and thankful to my loving husband and amazing daughter, who at the tender age of 13 had to stay strong and focused for me…

“Per Grazia di Dio”

By the Grace of God